The deep yellow of the light covered every crack in the dark leather, revealing every crease for all too see. Theo was there, his warmth visible without even being close to him. It occured to me that day that comfort wasn’t always visible. The times I had ached, when even bodies holding me up had done nothing but keep me standing. These were nothing compared to the love of someone of whom had no idea what bands I liked, or if my opinions were politically correct, no idea about anything that we all pick apart in someones personality to see if they are worthy of our time. With those eyes that never failed too understand, to crave the attention I needed to give.
Often times when emotions are off balance, I’ve been desperate to comfort when I could not and desperate not to when I could, never rationally but always unmistakably painful but to have someone around that even if its fictionally sensing every emotion. A hot water, a hug when needed, a needy stare across the room and all that Is expected back is food and care.
Here is how I worry,worry all the time.
My brain is too slow, my hands falling behind
Is it cancer, am I too young? Never mind.
Heart is racing, pumping round my thoughts.
Here is how I worry, worry all the time.
Is it normal, what ever could it be?
Whats going on inside me, if only I could see.
Aching, breaking never feeling fine.
Could it really just be all in my mind.
Here is how I worry,how do I find the time.
Running the race for life has been something I keep saying I’m going to do and never get around to but this year I was determined, no matter how much money I could raise or whether I decided to walk or run it, I was going to try and today I did.
Fair enough I haven’t managed to raise a lot of money but I have raised more than I would have done forgetting about the whole affair, I walked the 5K(in fifty eight minutes may I brag) with my momma and feel better for it. I always go into these things with the mindset that if I don’t run the whole thing to the point I am pouring blood from every orifice then I have failed.
That is not the point of Race For Life, it is there to not only raise money for something that has touched most of our lives and is currently a big part of someone I loves life, it’s to remind you to keep trying. Keep raising money, raising awareness, not putting cancer on the back burner until it effect you personally.
If you would like to help fight cancer even if it is just by a pound here is my donation page, if not there are usually options to donate on websites, maybe plan your own event and even on cashpoints you can now donate .
I was just watching a Ted video on youtube that basically said if you are stuck spend about five minutes just writing and see what your brain is trying to say to you, so I thought I would give it a try.
I want to get my hands dirty, grow vegetables, flowers, learn about their needs and help them grow. I want to wake up and have somewhere to go everyday where I have a purpose. I want something that isn’t my job that I love, something I don’t care what other people think of, something I only care about. I’m not sure I’d even let anyone know. I want something that is going to make me feel like I am giving back into the world something where I can start to discover who I am and what I am capable of. More importantly I want the voice of my dad inside my head telling me “not too bother because you won’t practise anyway” to get the fuck out.