Daily Troubles.

Here is how I worry,worry all the time.
My brain is too slow, my hands falling behind
Is it cancer, am I too young? Never mind.
Heart is racing, pumping round my thoughts.
Here is how I worry, worry all the time.
Is it normal, what ever could it be?
Whats going on inside me, if only I could see.
Aching, breaking never feeling fine.
Could it really just be all in my mind.
Here is how I worry,how do I find the time.

Race for Life Walsall arboretum 2016

race for life 2

Running the race for life has been something I keep saying I’m going to do and never get around to but this year I was determined, no matter how much money I could raise or whether I decided to walk or run it, I was going to try and today I did.
Fair enough I haven’t managed to raise a lot of money but I have raised more than I would have done forgetting about the whole affair, I walked the 5K(in fifty eight minutes may I brag) with my momma and feel better for it. I always go into these things with the mindset that if I don’t run the whole thing to the point I am pouring blood from every orifice then I have failed.
That is not the point of Race For Life, it is there to not only raise money for something that has touched most of our lives and is currently a big part of someone I loves life, it’s to remind you to keep trying. Keep raising money, raising awareness, not putting cancer on the back burner until it effect you personally.
If you would like to help fight cancer even if it is just by a pound here is my donation page, if not there are usually options to donate on websites, maybe plan your own event and even on cashpoints you can now donate .

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE

Some days I feel like i’ve forgotten how to feel happy, I feel like screaming “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE” today is one of those days. Maybe I am over tired, but right now I am feeling ridiculously restless, like I have jumping beans in my body full of motivation that are trapped in a lead cage so thick that the motivation can’t get out and i’m just left trying to find a youtube video or a blog piece that will help me break them out. I don’t mind because I know it will pass after a good nap, just the wasted time makes me feel so useless.

Beautiful

We live in a time where beautiful is probably one of the most well received compliments given, no one thinks anything of it, just walks away with a smile. Whilst listening to one of my tutors stories about how at one time having your piece of work called beautiful meant that yes it did look just lovely! but it meant nothing. I may not be so sure about the art world at the moment, but I know for a fact that art means everything to the artist, personally I believe that makes it art. Sometimes it may start as just an idea – no real meaning too it but it grows and it festers and that idea becomes physical.
 

32 days in the life of Kat- cut short!

So a couple of blogs ago I started a “Showing face” which was basically me wanting to do that year of photo challenge but not wanting to over commit so I did a month, weirdly though I much prefered the caption side to my little project so here is the rest of them.

Day 15.
day 15

“Day 15-Walsall buses suck. Just picked up my uniform from Walsall Costa, I’m so awkward aha now I’m worrying about how awkward. But fuck it. Fuck fuck fuck it. Waiting for the Walsall train to Birmingham to see nan. Really hoping I have enough money to bus us coffee, pay mom back and go see liam. Maybe even a pot of ultrabalm if I’m lucky. The log lady Catherine Coulson died today found out she was married to Jack Nance who plays the lovely lovely lovely Pete. Have just booked and collected train tickets for London tomorrow and got two books. So hilarious, my mom had a flick through my grey book and asked my what a buttplug was.”

Day sixteen.
day 16

“Day 16. This morning literally got on the train to Euston with literally 30 seconds to spare. Literally. Had a really nice train journey and then got the tube straight to oxford street. Where I had the best time in lush, with this lovely worker! She spent like two hours with me telling me all about the perfumes, the bath bombs, the shower gels , the soaps. How the soap sheets actually cost the same amount to make that they sell, so they don’t make any profit. She was lovely so when I finally got too hungry I went and walked literally from one side of Oxford Street to the other side through all the side roads, everything everywhere it was so lovely. Til finally Liam turned up just after I’d finished a sammich. I spent 39.90 in Lush, snow fairy, snow fairy dust, a massage bar that is designed to show one in four babies is born with an outy belly button, some toothy tabs, a harry potter bath melt, a pumpkin bubble bar and a bat jelly thing. Now i’m at Liam’s feeling anxious about being in a half empty house that any time people could come back too.

Day seventeen.

day 17
“Day 17, it’s technically day 18 but I haven’t slept yet had my first day at Costa Walsall today, was quite good, hated it at first but need to give it time. Will be working 9-6 tomorrow. Had a lovely evening with Jordan at the Spread then watched run Lola Run at mine. Such a nice film it’s like a spin off for the first bit off pulp fiction, but it can’t be a spin off because it came first. God quotes to end the night, now sleep. Feeling happy but missing liam.”

Day Eighteen.
day 18

“Day 18 stood at the bus stop, luckily realised my bus was one the other side to the one I was planning on getting on :’) Havn’t eaten apparently Walsall wants me to get there super early or super late. Bit Hungry, bit nervous about the long shift too. Stood in superdrug at 12 for my half hour break. There’s no staff room so I’m just hanging here. Doing a 9-6 makes my back hurt unbelievable amounts.”

Day nineteen.
day 19
“Day 19 relaxing in a basically just warm bath, all my lush stuff and wine after a day of literally serving from 12-5 constant serving at Costa. Constant ques it was so crazy. Apparently it’ll get worse and worse. Now i’m soaking in my bath then a night out with jess and maybe ily.”
Reflection- I now wish i’d taken a better photo this day.

Day Twenty

day 20
“Day 20 it’s so weird writing this next to a paragraph where I didn’t know how the night was going to go. Last night went really well, although now my stomach hates me :’)we started off at spoons after about half an hour of chatting these two guys came over to escape their friend and jess told them all the stories about her job and then ily appeared. Then off too planet had a really good sing and dance. Milano’s then this lovely taxi man took us both home.”

Day twenty-one.

day 21“Day 21 had a half productive day, did 45 minutes of Babbel, read some grey, yoga, cleaned kitchen and living room, watched some youtube videos, currently going to read one more chapter and then force myself to walk to pharmacy and then come back for theo. Didn’t go to pharmacy, not sure why I didn’t just go. But I did go and see the intern, Robert de niro and Anne Hathaway. It was fantastic, the sort of film  that makes you warm inside. If i ever reread this remember to watch the intern when you are sad. It made me want to go and do something, even try massage. Loved it.”

Day Twenty-Two

day 22
“Day 22 sat in bed trying to read grey, chatting about the world of coffee with a friend from Costa Odeon. Am trying to figure out a halloween costume with Jess and talking about luv with Lam. Theo is laying down my leg with his turtle doris. He is literally ma baba. Today I feel like all I have done is work. I watched a romantic film with superman in it”

Crime wave
When I started writing what I felt was a really lovely and nostalgic process from September of last year, I had all of my little diary entries saved into the notes in my phone so I am going to have to end it at day 22. I am so annoyed that these were the only copy I had of them so when my phone was stolen out of my bag I lost everything including a lot of photos.
I think these days when you steal someones phone you are not really taking anything worthwhile stealing, my phone was cracked and badly maintained because it was used so much, it’d probably go for a tenner off someone who desperately needed any phone but to me it was extremely valuable. It had photographs, messages, hundreds and hundreds of notes, all of which I took for granted being stored safely in my phone.
Stay safe kids! keep copies of all your bits and bobs.

My almost daily routine.

Until the past year or so I wasn’t really very interested in skincare, I used face wipes daily, I never moisturised and I actually used the baby soap my mom still buys on my face. Admittedly I still have the odd day where I am too tired and I just want to lay down anywhere comfortable and forget about anything remotely important and these become face wipe days. Face wipe days are fine every now and then but they really shouldn’t be used as an alternative for a good face wash, by only using face wipes we are leaving the chemicals that remove the make up so magically to dry out our skin.
Before I start my little routine and fab product list I’d like to add I have sort of combination skin as my forehead is always, always the driest and my nose and chin get really oily but this routine works fab for sorting out everything in the past three/four weeks of using it religiously my skin is the smoothest it has ever been. Also if you are into cruelty free products I would suggest reading the Animal testing section at the bottom of the post first.

Kat’s first cleanser
Face wipe days will move on nicely to my favourite new purchase which was actually  recommended (like a lot of the things that I love) by ma friend JESS who is the best at knowing whats fabulous for your skin.Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water is something I actually think is easier to use than face wipes, I just drop some onto a cotton pad and wipe it over my skin then hold it onto one eye for about 30 seconds give that eye a quick wipe down and then repeat on the other eye. I’m never overly worried about getting all my make up off efficiently with this one because this is just the start of my routine, but it really does get rid of the majority of it with almost magical ease. The best thing about this is I got a 400ml bottle at Boots  for £3.33 I think it’s on offer at the moment so if you want to try it out go grab some now they also do a smaller bottle for something fab like £1.99. Of course if you scout about a bit you may be able to find it cheaper!

Scrub of ya life
Bearing in mind my routines change completely on my mood this is my most used and reliable face product. This is something I know i’d miss even if i’d never used it because I have been searching for anything that scrubs this well and have always been sorely disappointed. When Jess said this literally saved her skin last winter (I will probably credit Jess for everything because she’s fab.) I thought i’d give it a go.So I picked up a bottle/tub thing of St.Ives invigorating Apricot scrub 150ml for about £4 at Boots- Although I am sure i’ve been told it can be found quite a bit cheaper-either way it is worth every penny.Little did I know it would literally sort my forehead right out, I have the driest forehead and little patches on upper lip skin and these ruin my foundation as well as  the days when I just want to let my skin be free without looking greasy because I’ve had too cake myself in moisturiser. Also after having a little look into it online they do other versions of it for anyone that wants a gentler scrub or a blemish fighting scrub, they do those too!

Soap
So make up off, face fab and smooth I give it a quick wash with my favourite Lush skincare product Coalface. I brought this originally because I have this weird trust in charcoal, I’m not sure where it has come from or exactly why I trust it so much I feel like it will fix my blackheads, whiten my teeth and just generally fix anything I ask it too(a bit like coconut oil).I think I brought like a eight pound(price not weight) bar and chopped it up into four pieces so it has lasted me at least 6 months as i’ve still got some left and that’s with daily use but on the website its £5.25 per 100g- also it smells like liquorice and that is a whole reason to try it out. Side note (I hope my baby brother doesn’t mind me saying this, he is sixteen not an actual baby) but he has super big black heads and plenty of them and since using my St.Ives scrub and Coalface his face has improved so much, I think the antiseptic rosewood in the Coalface helps a lot.

Cleansers
This is where I rotate two products, mainly because I think stuff works better if you don’t let your skin, or hair or whatever get too used to it but also I want them both too last forever, plez. So my cleansers are L’Oreal Paris Extraordinary Oil cleansing Oil and Soap And Glory’s Peaches and Clean Deep Cleansing Milk.  Let’s start off the L’Oreal Paris Oil, I love,love,love the feel of this on my skin whilst I’m using it and when I’ve patted my face dry, it just adds this extra soft silky feel and dare I say it evens out my skin tone. I just pat my face dry after the wash then rub it in taking extra care to massage it in where my makeup was really heavy, I breathe in because the scent is so gorgeous and then I rinse it off. There’s not many products that when it says “rinse with warm water” I listen to it, I just prefer cold water on my face (I don’t care which works better) but I think with this you do need the warm water to get it all off effectively.  According to the boots website “It rebalances and purifies skin” and from testing it i’d say this is one hundred percent true and for just over five quid I’d say it is definitely a bargain. Looking at skin care as an investment I don’t really mind paying abit more when something works so well and five pound really is barely anything when its used so often with such great results.
Before I get to my new moisturizer I don’t want to forget my Peaches and Clean Deep Cleansing Milk. I am a huge fan of Soap And Glory and for christmas I received a the best gift box off my partners mum-that was the start of my new found love for cleansers.This one smells to me much like a lovely mint and cucumber dip, you know the kind where you eat the whole tub but forgive yourself because it’s got cucumber in it. As well as it working perfectly at getting the last of my makeup off this one I love to use with my moisturiser mainly because they are both Soap And Glory and smell so similar so it gives me that feeling I get when I’ve bothered to put matching underwear on or sometimes even matching socks. This is actually free online on Boots if you spend over twenty five pounds, which may seem a lot but is easily done,however if you aren’t doing a bulk shop it’s eight pounds for the 300ml bottle at Boots and on the SAG website.

Moisturiser

At the moment I only really use one moisturizer because I’m running very low on my Lush Skin Drink and my body shop Aloe Vera Face moisturisers, so I’ve been sticking to my Soap And Glory For Daily Youth 6 In 1 Multi Active Moisture Lotion 50ml which was  £12 from Boots on offer for buy one get the second half price. This is a very lightly scented moisturizer and it spreads so easily over my skin I literally use a pea sized dollop every morning and night. This is meant to do a lot of things such as soften, soothes stressed skin and rejuvenates tired skin. It definitely soothes my skin, I’m used to it being bright red and irritated after washing it with anything but since using this specifically my skins reacted so well too it, it’s never greasy and it leaves my skin feeling like a peach. I would one hundred percent recommend this too anyone that just wants a moisturiser than does everything, specially when I’m hearing more and more about having to use anti wrinkle cream earlier for it too work. A really interesting thing I’ve found when researching how to stay younger is the only consistent opinion is to protect your skin from UV exposure ALL the time. I may do a separate blog about this in the future.

A little bit about animal cruelty 
One of my main concerns when buying any makeup is becoming finding  out if they are cruelty free , I wrongly assumed whilst purchasing some of the bigger brands that they wouldn’t be so popular if they tested on animals, so this may change your mind on a couple of the products I have recommended, it has definitely made me think. Here is a link from a great website with a few companies you should avoid if you want to avoid anything that is being tested on animals – http://www.onegreenplanet.org/animalsandnature/cometic-brands-that-are-not-cruelty-free/ .
Whilst researching everything I had bought I thought this was quite an interesting statement from Soap and Glory;”At Soap & Glory, we absolutely do not test our formulations on animals, however we can’t say that each and every ingredient that goes into them has not, at some point historically, been cleared for human use, by animal testing. We hope this answers your question”
L’Oreal has a similar statement that they don’t use the cruelty free label as they stopped testing on animals in  1989 but do state that they no longer use anything that has been tested on animals or anyone that supplies ingredients that have  as they put  “All ingredients available today were once tested on animals.” but that doesn’t mean it should happen now. It might make my stomach churn but we have to accept that this was once the case and further work towards preventing it happen at all. However not long after reading all about how L’Oreal doesn’t test on animals I started looking into Garnier which is also owned by L’Oreal which is quoted as ” It is also probably the most notorious among crueltyfree shoppers” but Garnier tests on animals.
Also a huge devastating discovery for me is that my favourite product my St.Ives apricot scrub is no longer cruelty free, I was horrified to read a blog explaining that St.Ives had been secretly testing on animals and until 2011 It had “Not been tested on animals” printed on the bottle now it has been replaced with a Unleiver logo.
Of course I didn’t really even google cruelty free and Lush Cosmetics because it would be an absolute scandal if were involved in anything that was supporting animal testing. I’ve watched so many videos about how certain products are sourced and how they help as many people as possible by doing so, it would take a lot for me not too trust Lush- If only they would hire me. ( I also think I’ll do a post on my love for Lush as a company).

In the future I will definitely  being researching before I go shopping, I am still quite new at actually looking into cruelty free products, so i might be missing something if so please comment below, I’d love to learn more. Thank you for reading.

Showing face

So starting around the 17th September last year (2016 for all future readers) I decided to try something  for myself, I’d seen a lot of people taking photos of themselves each day for a year to portray the change. Although I’d love to do this,knowing myself a whole year is a big commitment, so I decided to try it for a month- 32 days to be precise! (maybe I decided a month, maybe I only made it a month. It will remain a mystery). My biggest motivation for doing this was more based around wanting to like my own face bare and as well as covered in make up,  since I can remember I have had issues with my face constantly blaming it for everything that went wrong in my life as a child and teenager and nearing the age of 21 (I was a lot younger when starting this)I feel now is as good as time as any to accept it and appreciate it before it starts to slump. What I loved about doing this is now looking back at it, it’s so lovely to see what changed in that month. Since I didn’t just want to see how my face changed daily but also my life, I’ve kept a little reflection each day to go along with each photo. So here it is. My life for a month as captions.
Day One
day 1

This is possibly my least favourite photo as I had not yet decided on landscape (the irony), I’m going to try not to edit what I have written for each day so please bare in mind whilst writing them I was just doing quick catch ups for myself. –

“Day 1- Photo isn’t taken yet but feeling shitty by the bus stop, bus apps not working so I’m just stood by the 69 bus stop with it being 4 minutes late already, bad belly and grumpy kaf- Note to self try to cut out milk out of diet tomorrow. Photo taken about an hour after finding out about my mom’s uncle Clive’s death, the sadness hangs over me, I’m annoyed I didn’t see him more and I’m sad for the people that lost their dad, ex husband and uncle tonight.”
Reflection- This was the night I went out for a drink with one of my old friends from school and had way through the drinks I got a text saying “Uncle Clive’s died” not wanting to make a fuss I carried on through the evening without mentioning it feeling guilty for feeling so sad for someone I’d met so few times. (Side note at this point I was convinced I was lactose intolerant, caffeine was the real enemy).

Day Two.
day 2
“Day 2 photo taken after taking job at a Costa in Walsall, meeting Pavla at ten on monday for my induction, really excited and scared. Just been to ikea with momma and papa for fridges and stuff want to buy giant jugs. Realised landscape photos will be better than portrait”
Reflection- The best thing about waiting so long to do this blog is that I have been working at Costa now since September and I love it, I went through this huge anxious stage where the thought of work made me want to throw up and now I’ve gotten to a point where I’m completely relaxed there. Also whilst taking this photo I did realise I have a lazy eye, which lead to a month of discomfort and staring into a mirror longing for it to move back and then acceptance.

Day three.
day 3
“Day 3 I love how i feel, finally woke up at 12 with Liam, didn’t have to meet nan because of aunt Evelyn’s funeral and jess is at work. Feeling abit emotionally drained about life. Good news my overdraft is alright.”

Day four.
day 4
“Day 4 Hannah has replied to my notice, she is so lovely so I don’t feel so sick out going to work now. I’m probably going to end up working to the 28th because Jas is on ‘holiday’ aka freshers. stood up on the train with stomach ache that feels like i’m about to come on which sucksss. Have finished fight club today, I can see why it is such a loved film and I am breaking the first rule of fight club. But but but it annoyed me, ed Norton annoyed me, it’s not like his acting wasn’t great I just hated the character, which I know is the aim but if Helena hadn’t been a fantastic part of the film I wouldn’t have finished it, it wasn’t a film good enough to keep me awake and when they killed big boobie bob that was the last straw. I also guessed the twist yeyeeye.”

Day five.
day 5
“Day five it’s only 12.28 I’ve had the heating on for like an hour and still just got into a cold bath so I’m trying to reheat it, use my coal face mask which has made my face lovely and warm, I’ve written a wish list on wordpress short but sweet. I want to soak in the bath, rid my belly pains and read cosmo. Why in the 70;s show is everyone so bothered by cosmo? does it still have it’s bad reputation? Read a really interesting article about a women having a relationship with a methadone addict and only after two months realise “if you don’t know what is is, don’t put it in your mouth”Jess is having a bad day, I’m not going to write too much about jess’s day because they’re personal to her but that is still part of my day, cuz i wanna be useful and help. Liam moves in two days, I think it’s just hit me, rather nervous for him bless his sweet hear, taking him for drinkies tomorrow before he goes. Really wish I could go with him monday but Costa”
Reflection- Just the start of not being able to see Liam because of work. 

Day Six.

day 6“Day 6 about to go to Liams drinks with Ryan, Lovely day at work with Amy and Sunil. It’ll be a shame not to be working with them.”
Reflection- Ended up just being me and Liam, can’t remember why.

Day Seven.
day 7

“Day 7 just woke up to the best text that i’ve got an extra hour to get ready as I got home really late from seeing liamano, didn’t get sad until I had to say goodbye last night and then I thin it just kicked in how far away he’s gonna be.It’s rainy because my soul is rainy today. I am so exhausted today written a blog post, about to watch “we’ll never have Paris” about Simon Hellberg. Having a down day wanting to be productive but not being able to actually make myself do anything”
Reflection- I really loved “We’ll Never Have Paris” It’s a fantastic comedy about a break up/ crisis that really happened to Simon and his wife- who actually helped him with the film, hilariously honest.

Day eight.
day 8
Day 8 it is 05:51 and I am currently sat on the 06:04 London Euston train to Birmingham New Street. Woke up at 4.44 after struggling to get to sleep for three hours. Might literally just finish work and go home to sleep, not like there’s much else to do around here.found out I’ve got three days off but liams got freshers, feeling lonelier and lonelier. Everyones getting paid now its 23.40 and it genuinely feels like I’m about to go to sleep on christmas eve, still abit anxious about not having any money this month of wasting it but excited at the same time”
Reflection- What I meant was I was worried about wasting my money before I’d even received it, side effect of being practically unemployed for six months.

Day Nine.
day 9
“Day 9- no photo yet but ive had an extremely relaxed morning today. last night found a website called interpals that i am hoping will make me better at French maybe and it’ll be nice to meet some new people. Just checked my bank account, I know I should be happy but I really did think I’d earn more than I have, been avoiding working it out so I wouldn’t be disappointed and I’m disappointed anyway. My mom came and met me at work had a really nice wander round lush and shops then pizza at pizza hunt. I love black olives. Then wander round river island, love talking to my mom about all my problems, sleepy now trying to transfer money then beddies”

Day ten.

day 10
“Day 10 just got ready to go shopping with jess super excited as well as super stressed about money. Just got off the bus after the Albion realising I didn’t have my passport :’) Cocktails it is for us!- No cocktails but had the loveliest day after struggling to actually spend money end up spending a while in my costa, getting a jumper, a fantastic bag, a top from primark, foundation and so much lush stuff. We had the nicest day finally treating ourselves!”

Day Eleven.

day 11
“Day 11- no photo yet currently deciding if I want to take it before or after I try all my new stuff. Maybe today I’ll do half and half. Feeling a bit panicky today I think maybe because I’ve only got 3 shifts left at Costa and stuffff. Half of me want to go to uni, half of me wants to open a coffee shop with my mom. I don’t know what to do and I’m giving myself a bad stomach. Change doesn’t settle well apparently. Definitely lactose intolerant. Felt so drained today”
Reflection- So not lactose intolerant, discovered that anxiety causes bad bellies too!

Day twelve.
day 12
“Day 12. I hate people smoking in bus shelters, how can you be polite enough to let me go first onto the bus after pushing me minutes closer to death with your fumes? I woke up today at the time i was meant to leave the house 6.30am after I assume was over an hours worth of dreams about my phone being a cappuccino or latte i was making and i was trying to get the milk right by turning it off but really it was my phone. My clothes are soggy after getting up too late to dry them and now it’s 7.12 and I’m in wednesfield. Had such an appreciation for Costa new street today, said goodbye to my boss Hannah and Amy. Felt super emotional, I know it won’t stay that good for ages but it’s been so fantastic working there. Each one of them is lovely and funny. Things to do before I finish tomorrow include buy a thank you card, bring back books and hug nearly everyone. It’ll be emotional but it’ll be okay.”

Day thirteen.day 13
“Day 13- no photo yet but it is my last day working at Costa Odeon, I’ve just had a Mcdonald’s breakfast. I’m sort of nervous sort of excited just really don’t want to hate it in Walsall. Got to stay positive. Happy and healthy. Happy and healthy, liam’s being really adorable telling me how he wants to spend his life with me, I just want to munch his face off. Although it is 00.13 and I’ve just got home from work and feel ecstatic, steph and kate brought me a card and a candle bless her. Everyone made me feel so lovely. The highlight of my day was Sunil telling me I was his favourite, it’s nice to know being myself hasn’t scared them all off. Even though we finished super late I just had a really lovely shift. Tried my hardest even though it didn’t really matter either way and had a fab time.”

Day fourteen.
day 14
“Day 14. Two week anniversary of photo taking! Just relaxing in a sort of warm bath, charcoal face mask on. Feel a bit guilty about turning down a shift at Costa Walsall Wednesday. I just really want to go and see liam. Hope they don’t hold it against me. Quite excited to dress up and go see the nutcracker later but the more I think about it I think it’s more likely going to be swan lake we are seeing. Considering going to walsall to pick up uniform and maybe go to doctors about thrush. Can’t decide. Also want a jacket for tonight if I can afford afford it, maybe I’m going too crazy with my monies. Just been to see the traditional version of swan lake with momma, Debbie and nan. Don’t think dance is my thing, I love how beautiful the costumes and the scenery  and the dancing. But the whole not talking thing  makes it extremely hard for my brain not to wonder off to somewhere else. I love the hippodrome though, the red curtains are so gorgeous. Ready to sleep now got to wait and get up to meet nan.”

Going to leave this here and continue it a bit later else it is going to be far too long for a blog! To be continued.